Tuesday, August 26, 2014

DO NOT Eat the Free Chia Pods at the US Open

This isn't exactly breaking news here, but in case you hadn't heard, food can be a little pricey at the US Open. A typical stadium lunch of burger and fries for two on the grounds will run you around 40 bucks, and that's one of the more affordable options.

Luckily, the generous people at the Chia Co. are giving away free Chia Pods to US Open goers. With one full serving of sun ripened chia seeds mixed with your favorite fruits and coconut milk, it is the perfect snack to overcome hunger while taking in that third match of the afternoon on Arthur Ashe.

Well, that's what I initially thought, before regrettably taking my first (and last) bite. That is what the Chia Co. wants you to think and that is what I would've written had I walked past the Chia Pod refrigerator without trying a sample.

But the truth is, the Chia Pod is possibly the worst thing my taste buds have ever encountered, and I've done some things, people. It's awful. Repulsive. Let's put it this way: If I were on a desert island with an infinite supply of chilled Chia Pods at my disposal, I would burn it all so the smell would ward off predators and then accept my imminent fate of death by starvation. Life isn't worth living if Chia Pods are the only means of survival. Therefore I can't imagine eating one to hold me over until dinnertime at the US Open.

Sadly, I continue to see Chia Co. employees stocking the refrigerator, or what I like to call, "The Ice Chamber of Packaged Farts." Are people really eating these things? If so, I don't believe it. I won't believe it. Impossible. I will eat the socks off Ivo Karlovic's sweaty feet after a five-set match before reaching the point of desperation where I peel back another lid on one of those bowls of berries and wolf urine.

I think I've made my point. 

Simply put, don't eat the free Chia Pods at the US Open. This guy knows: