Welcome to The Land Down Under, tennis fans!
You look lost. You're lost, aren't you? Don't be embarrassed, Melbourne can be overwhelming for an out-of-towner like yourself. Why don't you sit back, let those binoculars rest around your neck, and allow me to assist you in your journey so you can focus on other things, like tennis.
Here is The Outer Courts' travel guide to Melbourne...
Melbourne, conveniently located in the state of Victoria, was founded by John Batman, a young bounty hunter, in 1835 and it is now the second most populous city in all of Australia. 4.17 million people call Melbourne home and all of them absolutely hate it when Americans rave about the blooming onion at Outback Steakhouse.
Some of our favorite famous people were born in Melbourne, including Kyrie Irving, NBA point guard; Liam Hemsworth, Miley Cyrus' ex-fiance; Cate Blanchett, Academy Award-winning actress; Kylie Minogue, pop star; Rupert Murdoch, really rich gold guy; and the late Steve Irwin, "The Crocodile Hunter."
Five Things To Do In Melbourne
-- Tell a stranger, “G-day mate!”
-- Attend a cricket match at the Melbourne Cricket Grounds! (Look up the rules of the game first.)
-- Enjoy a walk through Royal Botanic Gardens Melbourne, one of the best-landscaped gardens in the world!
-- Eat bush tucker! What is bush tucker, you ask? It’s Australian food! Try the kangaroo, and, if you don’t like it, just cover it ranch and force it down. You’re on vacation!
-- See a show at the Regency Theatre! Or a concert!
Five Things You Shouldn’t Do In Melbourne
-- Do not ask for showtimes for any of the Crocodile Dundee movies while visiting the Regency Theatre.
-- Drink Foster’s beer. It’s only popular in American convenient stores and homeless shelters.
-- Litter. Australians take the cleanliness of their streets very seriously.
-- Crocodile wrestle. Yeah, you saw Steve Irwin do it, but you’re not Steve Irwin.
-- Tell an Aussie, “Let’s put another shrimp on the barbie!” because you thought it was funny when Lloyd Christmas did it. He was talking to a girl from Austria, anyway.
Australian Open Quick Facts
-- It draws the second-highest attendance of all tennis tournaments across the globe
-- Novak Djokovic and Victoria Azarenka are the defending singles champions. Djokovic won the last three Australian Opens, Azarenka won the last two.
-- It was first played at the Warehouseman's Cricket Ground in 1905.
-- This year's overall player prize compensation is $31 million in U.S. dollars. The singles champions will win a cool $2.35 million apiece. That'll buy a lot of bush tuckers.
-- Wilson supplied 4,000 tennis balls for the tournament.
-- TennisChannel.com and TheOuterCourts.com are the two best websites on the internet for all of your Australian Open needs.
(That means goodbye.)
(That means goodbye.)